Tuesday, 22 July 2014


It has taken me this long to let the dust settle down to where it belongs.

The three years in university, undoubtedly, are the best three years of my life. Not necessarily the easiest, more tears had been shed, than all the other years combined. The stress of performing and staying on top of the game gets to one, and to compete amongst the elite, and making your own fort, and holding it secure is a feeling that I can't pen down in words. I played the game, well.

None of the academic achievements will last. Because reflecting back, it is the time I spent with my pseudo-family, friends, acquaintances, and even myself that mattered. I spent my last days in Cambridge with people I truly cared about. Doing things I never thought I'd do. I danced in the rain, jumped into a pool when it's 15 degrees (or colder), went into a restaurant shabbily clad, and visiting small inconspicuous cafes which served the best coffees. Cambridge was home ground. I knew where everything was, and where I'd like to spend my time. Oddly, even my hometown in Malaysia doesn't provide me the sense of belonging as Cambridge did.

More so, I miss the days when I can dress myself up in a few minutes, and walk out of my front door and be in the middle of everything. I could be in my favourite cafe in 10 minutes, and visit King's chapel if desired in a moment's notice. I could pop down to London in 45 minutes, and catch a musical (I pay through my nose for tickets, because I love love love live shows), and be back on the day itself. The convenience, and this luxury has been brutally taken away from me. It'll never come back, because I can no longer call Cambridge my home. It was my home.

I came to terms with these. The best things have to end one way or the other. Friendships last too, so goodbyes are easier :)

But also, leaving gives me a reason to go back.
Maybe for good in a couple years time.

I miss Cambridge. The bubble.

P.S. Then we'll be together again.

Saturday, 12 July 2014

Meaningless (maybe) musings.

3 years just flew by. How surreal.

Most amazing of all, perhaps, is that most, if not all my wishes came true. I suppose the notion of wishing upon a (-) shooting star(s) is(are) has some elements of truth in it. I made 2 specific wishes. One came true, and I was shocked to the core, because despite wishing it, I knew it'd never come true. The other wish came true, out of the blue, only to make life more difficult but more brilliant than it is now.

Never in my life I'm so acutely aware of the difference in time zones. Not when I was in reading a book by Oxford Street, nor when I was writing an entry for my travel diary in the city of Astronomical Clock, but when back in my homeland. I hate adjusting and fixing my jet lag. Overcoming it meant that contact hours are limited to 4-5 hours a day, and honestly, that sucked. Arguments that has to be slept on; schedules that has to be memorised.. the list goes on, but what can we do about it.

It is easier if we wrap it up, exactly like how we envisioned it.

P.S. I took it out on someone who cared. For my inglorious past and mistakes. Add that on my list yo.

Monday, 21 April 2014


Is a very personal choice, and
I'm tired of being preached to.
My cup is full with water, so thank you for the good intentions.

But the numerous preaching just turn me off, if anything.
Making sense of everything using the name of God is very convenient, but it's annoying at times too.

Try bearing the brunt of it.
It does strike a nerve, and I will no longer respond favourably.

Friday, 18 April 2014

Incoherent Musings

Kinda miss rambling on and on.

—Time constrained—

Tired, but I smiled :)

Tuesday, 15 April 2014


I really shouldn't be doing this.
Shouldn't be out late night, running as if we had nothing to lose;
Shouldn't be talking as if we own the world; till 4am; till the birds chirped, and greeted us with a new dawn.
Shouldn't be lifted towards the cherry blossoms; perhaps that's the gravest mistake of all.

I have so much to lose, so much to gamble, and the more we do this, the more disadvantaged my position is.

It's time to turn this whirling water into a calm spring. For my heart to quieten, for my mind to sharpen. For me to mourn, and for me to move on.
At the end of the day, I chose this path, and self mutilation might be the best way to survive.

I pray.

Wednesday, 26 March 2014

Dear Diary

Final Lent Term.

This place is so quiet. I love how still it feels.
and, I wonder.

There are so many things I'm unwilling to try, or to let go. Risks that I'm unhappy with. Just oh-too-many reasons to not take the step forward. This time, I stepped backwards. I'm not even sure if I regret it. Where will we be in a year's time? That's what I asked myself. Every day. Till the day that I said no internally, and started moving backwards.



It bothers me. Too much to admit publicly. Maybe life is about the what-ifs, but somehow I think it's not. I think the risks that we take define us, and at the end of the day, I've decided that I'm better off being me. Because I'm stupid like that.

Till when I'll push someone away, I don't know.
I'm tired of dating, and getting to know someone new, and to push them away after they get a tad bit too close. I want to settle. But my heart wouldn't let me.

Thursday, 20 February 2014

Life thus far - Economics

Here I am, blogging in the middle of the day. I suppose the best thing to do now, is to go over my lecture handouts, and perhaps have slightly more inkling as to what's going on. The next best course of action is to work on my dissertation, and try to troubleshoot some of the most apparently problems.

But, I feel like talking about Economics.
At some points of my life, I wondered if I chose to be an economist because my mum is an economist. Well, for most families it seems to be a trend. And for the most part of my degree, I felt that I've read the wrong course. I should have, really, read Physics, or engineering, because I am fascinated by the concept of physical space, and movements. Plus, Stephen Hawkings is in Cambridge, that's just a major bonus. That said, I'm similarly interested in encryption, and basically spent a good day reading about the Enigma machine and marvelled at its brilliance, and one point for sure, it was made way ahead of its time. (Many thanks to Alan Turing for decrypting it)

This year, in particular, have reignited my love for the study of people, and transactions, which are to me, the heart of economics. At the end of the day, we are studying people and understanding the interactions on a scale larger than all of us. Economists operate with one hand tied behind their backs, and we are not offered the option of saying -- I don't know. People expect a "forecast" or a "best guess", and even most amateur economist can tell you that, uncertainties plagued each and every corner of this study of human behaviour. Why then, should we attempt to decode what I perceive to be one of the greatest puzzles of all time?

Because the implications are vast.

Those who dismiss the study of Economics as a dismal science, I do not seek to disagree.

But it is more ignorant to continue on in our man made world (mind you, markets are man made, just like language), without trying to understand the impediments we face. I seek to understand more about this weird world, but the quest of understanding lands me in a world with a plethora of models, and theories, and conjectures. That, if anything, squashed my love for economics. I understand that I'm being handed useful tools that will guide my future path, but along the way, I lost interest.

So, I continued on with my studies, and somehow I managed to do decently well, and found myself holding up against the world's elites. I saw it as a game to be solved, and I developed strategies to put myself in the upper quartile. But I lost my passion.

Third year -- my final year.
As a finalist the whole picture is finally coming together. All I can say is that this course, is well structured and I absolutely love it. I've gained so much out of it. It taught me to seek answers to difficult questions, and to understand that we are just a speck of dust, barely making a dent in this literature, but we should try our best anyways. Our annual and prestigious Marshall lecture by Alvin Roth more than fuelled my passion for this science, and he reminded me of the possibilities in Economics. We are studying people, and theories help us make this world a more efficient and humane place. I used to think that I'm studying a subject which has not much of an intrinsic value, unlike medicine. Not anymore.

Those who questioned the contributions of Economics, and dismiss the roles of Economists, I'd like to invite you to our world, and try to view events in our perspectives. It took me 3 years to finally understand my role as a newbie, and I'd reckon that I will spend my life trying to develop a more profound understanding. I'm no longer disillusioned. Economics is not like the science of medicine, and engineering, because the questions are simply more difficult. You may disagree with me, but, how can it be a simple science when it has to deal with humans?

Maybe one day I'll be uninterested yet again, and hopefully, by looking back, I will reflect back to the time when I'm a finalist who is brimming with unanswered questions, and willing to take up the challenge of answering the impossible.