10 more days!

To Tripos.

I'm here to rant, not providing any intellectual stimulation nor entertainment. If you are looking for that, I'm not even sorry that you're reading on :)

This is going to be a short post.
I'm terrified.

Never in my life, I feel so unprepared; understanding perfectly that even one more month couldn't whisk this away. Just to give everyone a rough idea.

I'm not suggesting that other people's lives are easier. The stress level is increasing exponentially, assuming that there is a small change of epsilon, there will be increasing marginal returns, violating the basic assumption of non-satiation. Blogging is my weakly dominated strategy, nevertheless, the negative utility derived as a consequence of studying time forgone. That said, the opportunity cost is not as large, as pleasure derived from writing these "conjugated" jumble compensates my loss. On the whole, utility is still a subjective matter, and perhaps my claim to rationality cannot be substantiated. Perhaps my mind is just as fragmented as voter's incoherent wants and desires. Perhaps, an increase in my endowment *time* will change the optimal bundle on my newly extended indifference curve, however, constraints of life ensures that I stay on the same budget line. Alas, my burst of technical terms have caused innumerable pain and significant confusion, and restraint is highly encouraged, and acknowledged.

I'm just nuts.

Easter Term

Exam.

Dread.

Passing, a 2.2, feels so remote. I have never ever been subject under such academic challenge. I know this might sound arrogant, or perhaps put people off, but there is not much point in lying. High school, A levels even. looking back, yes, even further mathematics just isn't comparable. It used to be easy. Memorising - replicating for essay subjects, applying skills for the others. What people might call "Malaysian" education.(beg to differ, I think CIE is more or less the same).

So, university is challenging.
We have accepted that.
Day after day, I see people breaking down, deranged from all these pressure.
Competing against the world is easy to say, conquering the world is a dream that will come true, you'd say.
I'd say, NO. It's not easy. Pit against the strongest of most countries is just not a nice feeling. Knowing that you are most probably behind the pack, or would be if you don't continue working.

I used to look upon those who study continuously for hours with a twinge of curiosity and utter amazement. Skeptical of course, that one would choose to do so. I laughed when a third-year told me that 10 hours working day in Easter Term is not that odd, and we are expected to do so. (NAH, I'd say. It will never happen to me).

Suckers, I have to eat my own words. I have to work at least 8 hours a day now. Easter break was 10-5pm, no excuses. Note: It is an Easter break. I'm not insane, my coursemates are doing 7-7, or more during the Break.

So, what? Just work lah.
Stress? too bad lah.
Can't memorise? WHat? You'd better work on it.
Why can't I get the same thing out of the same book? You're just not that smart, face it.

Truths shunned into your face.
Loads of stuffs are taken as a given, if you can't do it. You're just not up to par.
Stressful, yes.
But complaining will not make it go away.

So we shall work.
1 month.

Garden Party.
Garden Party.
May Week.

Home.

Update

Lent term had been hectic to say the least.

10 weeks since start of term. Time flew. Looking back, there are little imprints and shadows of events I've participated in. Memories that are embedded there, somewhere. So much has happened.

M night practices.

Warwick.

Imperial.

M night show time.

Hustings.

Meetings.

Paris.

Hanging out till the wee hours of most mornings.

Second-home. I never understood the real meaning of it, until I came here, in the UK. I told a dear friend before flying back from Paris that I was actually looking forward to going back to Cambridge. Tilting her head, then shaking it in disbelief while exclaiming," You are looking forward to go back to England??" Well yeah, it feels like home to me. I think her eyeballs were on the verge of falling out when she said, "I can never call London home."

Cambridge is a second home to many of us. We feel at ease here. The tugging feeling when you leave a place, clearly knowing that you are not to catch a real glimpse of it for a relatively long period of time? Most of us experience that. Perhaps why this place is so personal is that, we spend time knowing all these people properly. We stay together, eat and yell till our voices failed us. We know this is a place where we will be welcomed. There is always someone who will just call you up and say "hey, lets watch hunger games!" , then play Bridge! The real challenge is saying NO NO NO. Sometimes we just forget that, this is not HOME, this is an UNIVERSITY damn it. Studies should be given priority. Sucked into this malicious black hole with the sinister thoughts of hanging out, watching movies, chilling is not going to help me pass my Tripos. Oh yes, we know that, so... "huge sigh"... we are focusing on cutting back on some activities. After constantly meeting the same group of people for two weeks, day and night, you would have thought that I got sick of them. Oddly, not yet, not yet. But the day will come :)

Do I miss home? A little bit. I like being around my family, don't get me wrong! I just like being here as well, when it's not the winter at least. I enjoy the company, weather, and just the place in general. I know where to get a good cup of Mocha, milkshake, home-made ice-cream, fudge, candies, chicken, strawberries....... I wish I could express it in words, but it is an experience that I can't pen down even if I possess a phenomenal ability to jot down such fine details. I invited some friends over, and they did not see what I feel. I guess it is something you feel and hold dear once you have come into acceptance that this is your home, and your friends are your family.

It's 1.10am. AND I really need to catch some sleep.

Long day ahead.

Studies this time. . . . I hope.

A little space to call my own

A little bubble of your own. Prod, plop, prune. No one giving a damn.

I really need that space to breathe. I do have it. I'm keeping it.

People say that university makes you, or break you.

I've been broken over and over last term. This term seems fine, until the end of week 6.

Cambs ( all other universities?) have always been known for week 5 blues, but somehow, week 6 is always the toughest on me. I'm not going to lie and say that I put in as much as effort as last term, in fact I feel that I did less. I am happier, and I learnt faster. Power of positive mentality? Maybe. Week 6 has been hectic. Getting stuck on a train while a fella was up on the roof of Stevenage Station (I don't even want to know why) at 1.30a.m. certainly is not what I call "fun", but it is memorable nonetheless. Cycling back after being trapped in the train at 4.30 am. WOW. It was really cold. Maybe 4 degrees or something like that. Sorry, I digressed! So, Cambs really break people. That I can attest. I have seen the most optimistic people come into my room and just burst into tears for no obvious reason. The pressure builds and reinforce each other. Snowballing, accumulating dirt and debris, and sometimes, nice sweet things, but it is all a mess, and it is gaining momentum. Faster and faster, until someone break and tries to apply whatever form of brakes they have. This usually happen during week 5. And we crash and burn.

Harsh reality. We all learn to deal with it. I'm not crying. I'm busy for sure, there are just so much to read and understand. But, I know my friends and family are with me. I know people do support me. I know I'm not alone. (Everyone else either crashed or is crashing with me now) .

Last day of week 6. Two more weeks to go.

I WANT PARIS.

Cheers :)

Week 3

So it is the first day of Week 3.

A quarter of the term just flew by! Just like the common maxim, "When you are having fun, time just flies." The weather is chilly, yet the warmth, mixed the potent toxic of friendship, brought upon many smiles. Lips were upturned when the first snowflakes touched our noses and eyelashes, we were like kids, "SNOWING!" excited, bubbly. Realized that happiness was so simple after all. Sometimes, we feel lost in a foreign country, and for those going overseas, or is somewhere far away from family, have faith. Life is not fair, we all know that. But it is what we make out of it that matters after all doesn't it? I once thought that my life was in shambles. Handcuffed, gagged, immobile, stuck in that vicious cycle. Most people thought my life was good, I must say, in retrospect, I was such a baby. Inability to keep up with work and being involved in a really unhealthy friendship seems like the end of the world then. Heck what was I thinking. Academic prowess is all that matters here somehow. People do remember you. Scoring first in faculty is phenomenal, securing second place is crazy. The academic pull is so strong, positive peer pressure. A definite sign here. Library is never empty, trust me. I popped in to grab my earphones at 1am, certainly not empty.

Some skeptics criticize the system, with that all too famous rejection letter to Oxford. Some argue that these universities are posh, too fancy, and pompous, so full of oneself. Students are reassured that they are the creme de la creme. True, you ask me? Yeah. This place is majestic, it is grand, but it is not arrogant. Those who misunderstand this place will say that, you are just saying that, you don't mean it. Then look, with brilliant supervisors who put you down from time to time, you will believe that you are just as normal as anyone else, at least for me. You learn to be humble, to know that you are not the world, nor any different from your course-mate. Yes, academic excellence mean the world here, but backstabbing rare, though I believe indirect inhibition to resources plentiful. This place is not perfect, and some comments, well-deserved.

A compendious summary of my current life then. History doesn't feel as bad as before. Friends are truly my supporting pillars and trust me, group studying helps. I finished my work in less than half the time I would take by working on it alone. Lost some rather exquisite, precious, okay I'm exaggerating, but yeah, I've lost one of my possession recently. =/ not happy about it. I don't wanna spend money getting a new one. I can pay my rent using that money!(rant rant rant, yanks hair out) There you go, smiles and sunshine(I want sunshine! and snow )

Time for reflection and resolutions??

Reflection.

2011 was a good year. Ups and Downs. I'll try to write as much detail as I possibly can.

Early 2011, I received my Letter of Confirmation, ecstatic. Went on for Adventure Race 2011, one of the toughest race I've ever been in. Embedded memories. Looking back, I didn't know how we did it.

After a couple of dramas, examinations just snuck upon us. Ended with grace. Prom night was all grand and fun. Keeping fingers crossed.

June to September. Peak period.

2 week long camps coupled with short travels during the weekends. Literally kept my travel bag for a month without stowing it away. Then taking it out again after a week's break. The good life. Everything was quiet and smooth like a smoothie. Friends gathering were numerous. We traveled and ate good food :) . I miss those days.

Results. Contented. Sunway Lagoon ! Just a few days of catching up. Brilliant.

The whole awesome-ness caught up with my body, fell terribly sick for a couple of days.

Visa. Award. Banquet. Packing. Flying.

.

.

.

.

.

London. Oxford. Windsor. Eton. Bath.

.

.

.

.

Cambridge.

Fresher's week. Rave night. Ceilidh. Mexican food night. Paddock gatherings. College family.

Weekly jamming sessions. Emmanuel's Super formal. Peterhouse's formal. Queen's formal. Pembroke's formal. Nottingham games (Netball?? ). Malaysian Food Fest. Music night in Pembroke.

Supervisions. Lectures. Work. Study.

Exploring the town. Amazing. King's College Chapel. St. John's Chapel Tower. Backs. Numerous bridges. Several colleges.

Board games. Walking. Rehearsing for a play.

For 2012,

I don't want any more arguments with you. No idea how it all started. There used to be a dynamic conversation. All strained and polite, we weren't anything like before. What happened. I don't want to find out. Why. Trying banging your head against an unmovable wall. I'm sick of it.

Be a tougher girl. Tears won't help me. All the same, I thank those who were with me when I cried and stumble. Gave me a helping hand, provided great company and kept my sanity at bay.

Study well.

Survive academic year with a great big smile. Perhaps the most important resolution of all.

Time to type again

So I'm back in Malaysia.

Sentiments.

1. It is so HOT HOT HOT HOT here.

Chilly wind, triple layers, winter boots and hoodie have been part and parcel of my life over there. I'm happy with a 10 degree Celsius. When the temperature dipped to around 5, it became really uncomfortable. According to my friends there, it just gotten colder since I've left. So, yeah. I'm used to the cold and Malaysia is really really REALLY warm. I think I'll switch back to normal in a few days. The stupidest thing that happened. I was travelling from London to the airport, and of course, I wrapped up like sushi, when I landed, I took of my outer coat, and tada, I was melting!!! I just kicked off my boots after I reached home, and swore to myself that I'm not wearing them ever in Malaysia. Honestly, now I realized how ironic it is to wear boots in Malaysia, unless they are for vanity purposes. Wait, WHAT? nonono, that is not right. Heels look much better, anytime.

2. I'm having a vacation, not a holiday

According to my friend's supervisor, we are to VACATE our rooms, not take a holiday. I proudly declare that I've brought 4 books back to Malaysia. To my dismay, my coursemates easily lugged 10 back to their own respective countries. SERIOUSLY? I sacrificed one maths book just because I figured that it is not worth it to lug a 1.2 kg text book around London, and I really regret that decision.

3.I'm becoming a nerd

I will be frustrated if someone steals my books. Please, do not steal my books. I have to study! Not because of "kiasu". It is because I did not follow lectures during the infamous 8 weeks term ( although I think I'll die doing a 12 weeks term).

4. I've learnt not to compare workload

It just backfires. When I try to vent to people in the same university, it hits me pretty hard that everyone is facing equally or tougher challenges. Defeats the purpose of venting since it would be interpreted as whiny. ( ? ) At least that is what I feel when people start to complain far too much about their work, because I have to do my work too. Once in awhile is fine, throughout the 8 weeks will be stretching it too far. (Although I shall admit that I'm one of the more vocal complainers.) Then you might ask, just whine and irritate your friends from other universities! That doesn't really work as well. They have their own work too! and honestly, I feel that some might think that we are exaggerating the workload, or not. Anyways, it just made me feel worse knowing that I could have chosen an easier life ( at least for Michealmas 2011). So I will hold my seniors' advice to heart, just do what you have to do, study SMART, cut corners ( strategically ), skim through journals and don't compare your workload with other people doing the same course, it just make things more difficult for you.

5. University is a place to challenge you, if not there is no point in going at all.

My lecturer said that. After that I just stopped complaining. It is meant to be hard, if it is easy, there is no point travelling halfway across the world to study. The work broke me time and time again. Mental breakdowns were common during week 6. I just cried and stayed in my room, feeling all stressed out. I crashed in my friends' rooms because that will stop me from wallowing in my self-created pool of depression. Some of you might be wondering, "oh DAMN, was it that bad????" It felt like that at that point of time, and I talked to my CuMas mom, tearing up when she understood how I felt completely, because she felt the same a year ago. Oh dear dear, how lucky I am to have her as my mum. After awhile, I sort of gotten used to the degree of toughness and just pull my socks up, stick my chin up high, stride on with sheer perseverance.

6. Friendships and College

College feels like home. I felt a twinge of sadness when I moved out for winter, knowing that I will not be there for quite some time. I have been through a lot in a matter of 2 months. Meeting such good friends, who all supported me through thick and thin. Smiled with me, and watched me cry. College mates are awesome!

Then friendships in general. I now know that some are meant to be broken, and I should have done that since the beginning. The end was visible, but I chose to believe, have faith.Then, my faith just dwindled over time. I shall bid my goodbye, and I hope I won't turn back. It is time to wave and leave with dignity. Do not expect to hear from me anytime soon, I will expect the same. This doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. It does, a lot, and you probably had no idea how much courage and tears it took me to make this decision.

On the other hand, I have gained some precious friendships. They feel like family. =) 2 months. Just 2 months. And I wonder, how did it happen??? I know that some higher power is watching over me, guiding me as I make my choices and pull me through week 6, and I thank God for that.

All in all, I'm good!

I just need stardeee and hopefully I get to do some decent amount of work before lent term starts!